JUST SHARING WITH YOU

LET MY LIGHT SHINE BRIGHT


Lord, let my light shine bright,
during my darkest night,
when my tears hide
your precious face.
May my faith be strong,
as I hold on, knowing
I'm covered
by your grace.

     Life may steal my dreams,
 break my heart in two,
lay my heart upon
the ground.
But I'll be alright
because I'm loved by you,
and will soon be
homeward bound.

Lord, as I walk through life
doing the best I can,
Hold me, I pray,
close to your heart.
May I be true to you
to my dying breath,
so we'll never have to part.

 I wrote this song just a few years ago, when I found out my husband had cancer. It is a wonder to me, the way the Lord uses words to comfort me sometimes. Now, as back then, we're told that my husband's illness is at its end, except that this time, the doctors tell us that all they can do is make him as comfortable as they can.

I praise the Lord for his goodness, for the many years Johnny and I have been together. Mostly though, I am, and ever will be,  eternally grateful that my precious Johnny asked the Lord to be ruler of his heart and life just recently.

God is good. God is faithful. God is merciful. God is kind. God is truly love.

 



Morning Prayer

Gracious Father,
I am glad for my mornings hour with you, before I have spoken with man or done a thing unto the day,  for your presence alone keeps me safe, strong,  and full of courage. If  my eyes look upon the thing that hurts me so much, the thing that has ripped apart my comfort zone, I would surely, like Peter, sink.  But  my eyes do not focus upon that which hurts, but HE who comforts. It is You, Lord, who  guide my words and actions, who holds me steady, when the sadness threatens to overwhelm me.
     I pray this morning, for my Johnny, Father. I ask that you would strengthen him, help him to realize the depth of your love, to understand that when you say something -you mean it, like being forgiven. His heart hurts so much, Father, for the mistakes he has made. I have forgiven him. You have forgiven him, but he is finding it hard to forgive himself. As his health worsens, his regrets seem to grow. It hurts me to see him so sad, hurts that I can't comfort him in ways that used to please him, used to take his sadness and fears away. I used to be able to do for him all he needed, but cannot any more. YOU, Gracious Father, are the only one who can give him peace. I ask that you touch his heart in a new way. Look within it, and you will see that he  loves you, will see how hard he has tried to change. Grant him that promised peace of Christ, Lord, while he is able to experience it.

As for me? Lord I ask that you help me come to terms with my emotions that are sweeping through me like a summer storm, feelings I am having a hard time with. I am angry- that Johnny is leaving me, though it is no fault of his own. I am so sad sometimes it's heaviness seems more than I can bear- is so deep- so painful that I can no longer cry. I am confused sometimes, not knowing which way to turn, or what to do; mostly because I am beginning to feel somewhat numb. I know these feelings are normal under the circumstances. I understand that what scares me is that I feel as if I have no control over anything, which makes the situation even more uncomfortable.
But.... even with all this going on within me, I  CAN be at peace, if I but remember that every trial comes to its own end; that there are always rainbows after a rain.

I shall think upon those things, Father, rather than the trial itself. I shall focus upon the wonderful years you gave me and Johnny, years full of memories I will treasure forever.

Thank you for helping me sleep last night; for rocking my heart to peace again.
Thank you for today's breath of life, for Johnny, who is still here, for the enormous love we have for each other.
Thank you for the many friends I have online, friends who never fail to be there when I need them.

I praise your Name; praise you for your kindness, patience, mercy,  love and compassion for mankind. I praise you for extending my Johnny's life, for keeping us close in heart as well as in mind.

I praise you for the trials that test me, for they reveal to me my strengths, as well as my weaknesses: they keep my faith strong- my heart close to you.
 
Be with me this day, Gracious Father. Help me to rightly represent Christ. I ask these things in His most precious name.  Amen
    

A GREAT DAY?

And we know that we can, if we so choose. True, sometimes, as it  did this morning, bad news comes riding in on the sun. When it does, we oftentimes feel overwhelmed, as if we have no control over anything. The truth is- sometimes we don't.  My Johnny and I don't have any control over what is happening to him. Not any more. And it hurts so bad; makes us both feel so helpless. He can't do much for me these days, and it breaks his heart. He has always spoiled me, done things for me that I could have done myself. But  he'd say." Baby let me spoil you. One day, a long time from now, I may not be able to do things for you." That day has arrived.

And me? I long so to comfort him, to do for him all that once filled him with such joy and happiness. But I can't. His body..his very bones are so fragile. He can't endure a hug any more, yet craves it; can't walk with me, nor talk with me much ( his lungs, we found out today are barely working).

Is today a good day? Not really. But the other side of the coin is that it is a VERY GOOD DAY; a good day because my Johnny is still here with me, a good day because I am still here, by God's grace; a good day because Johnny and I  have millions of memories to see us through the darker, sadder times ahead.  It is a good day because my Johnny knows the Lord, knows how much he loves him, knows that when he dies our separation is but a temporary one.

I am, as some of you know, sharing the story I wrote about our life together. I titled it
"The Fragrance Of A Rose."  Each few days, as I type out another part of it for you I get the opportunity, as does my Johnny, to relive our life over, right from the beginning. As I share with him what I shared with you, he and I often discuss how far we have come, how grateful we are that the Lord helped us work through the worst of our trials, especially those that were the hardest because they were the most painful. There was a time we both felt we'd never make it; that too much damage had been done to our marriage. But we learned to walk our faith, learned that faith has to be so strong it sustains itself. I turned to the Lord, had Him teach me, guide me and direct my words, actions and deeds. If not for him, my Johnny would no doubt be spending his last days alone. I am so glad that is not the case; so glad that this man I have come to love so much still has me at his side.

You know, life is but a wisp of smoke, here- then gone. Whoever you are, or wherever you are, I pray you don't ever take for granted the ones who love you. Make the most of each moment you have together. Treat those at home as good as you treat strangers.

Just for today, Lord, enable me to recognize the blessings midst each trial, to be able to see with clarity of vision, rather then through the eyes of self-pity. Help me, I pray, to not let my sorrows cause me to become deaf to the cries of my brothers and sisters. Help me to be gentle of spirit, slow to anger and quick to forgive. Grant me, Gracious Lord, the ability to love my enemies as you love them, to pray for them, genuinely wanting the best for them.
   And now, as the world prepares for sleep, watch over us as you have every night. We are so grateful for your faithfulness and  the dependability of your Word.  We will remember, Lord, as we prepare for sleep, your goodness to us, how deep your love, how great your sacrifice. 

|

His eyes spoke before his mouth did. "It's not good, is it? I said, holding onto the chair for support. "No, baby. I'm sorry."  My husband's eyes filled with tears. I forced myself to not let mine fall because  our son had gone to the doctor with him, was  having a hard time holding himself together. He sat in the chair next to his father, his sweet face looking hopefully at me, waiting for me to say something to lessen his pain, to make the moment seem anything but what it was.
  
  "All the doctors can do now, honey, " my Johnny said," is to make me as comfortable as possible. They told me I need to talk to my family, to make my final wishes known."  The river rose higher in his eyes.  I saw how he swallowed, took as deep a breath as he could; saw how he tried to sit up straighter, force himself to look directly at me.
     When he had cancer we'd held each other for a long time after hearing the news. But this time, having been through this pain before, we sat silent, each of us struggling with our own uncomfortable emotions.
    "I am not afraid to die." he said, his voice seeming to echo in the room. "It is just that I don't want to leave you, don't want to leave our other children and grandchildren."


So Lord, just for today, fill me with your strength, your courage, your hope. Let me not embrace self-pity, for that act prevents me from recognizing the blessing behind the trial.
   Today, this morning, you gifted me again, with your breath of life, and my Johnny. We are grateful and praise you, Lord, for sustaining us; for placing within our hearts and minds that peace that passes all understanding.
   There are so many hurting people in the world today; people going through the same thing we are. Bless them too, Lord.  Let them sense  your presence, the depth of your love and the warmth of it.
  
When discouragement finds my hiding place I will remember your words:

 "Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen  thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord."

"The Lord is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and he knoweth them that trust in him."

"Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the Lord upholdeth him with his hand."


   

 Please take a moment to read today's entry in my personal blog. The journey is a difficult one and I could really use some support. Writing it out this way is something I thought seriously about, knowing that some people might not understand it. I decided to do it anyway because through the years I have had the honor of supporting many precious friends through this same experience. I think perhaps, at some point down the way it may help somebody else. We never know.  Thank you so much.

http://barb-myjohnny.blogspot.com/