TODAY'S GIFTS

Lord, I thank you for today's gifts:
The dew upon the grass at early dawn,

The  visiting of the crickets,
The sunrise and sunsets
The laughter of little children

The pillow for my weary head
The tightness of your embrace, as I cry.
The depth, the width, and the warmth of your love

that continues to hold me steady.

Thank you, Lord for the love reflected
in my Johnny's eyes, for his quiet strength,

and his amazing sense of humor that

unexpectedly causes laughter to echo
through our house.
These are hard days, even harder nights,
but you never fail me.
The more difficult the trial,

the quicker your response.

Thank you for helping me be brave,

for filling me with strength, and for helping

me find the right words to uplift my children

as we walk this path together.
You are my heart, Lord.
Without You, I would cease

to live and move and breathe..
Stay close to me, I pray. Let me not waste moments,

walking through life as though on rainy streets.
Help me focus on the SON so that though my trial is hard,

my heart is sunny.

Gratitude

Just for today, watch for the blessings. Even if you're going through difficult times, if you look hard enough, you'll find them.

I've been told, thankfully not for awhile, that I view the world and people through rose-colored glasses. I really don't! What I do, is look beyond what  my eyes see- to the
potential--to what will be after the trial has passed, after the person has changed, or come to understand himself/herself a little better.

To focus on the dark side of life: our sadness, fears, worries, concerns, etc, is a waste of time. It does nothing for for us except raise our blood-pressure, cause our stomachs to become nauseous, our insides to shake. Dwelling on the trial itself deepens our pain, makes our blue mood even bluer, our depression worse, often creates insomnia and a host of other uncomfortable ailments.

Sometimes, after reading what I've written, I can almost see in my mind, the expression on people's faces, as what I write often seems to make no sense, does perhaps appear too simplistic. After all, if we hurt- we HURT!
  "One can't simply turn OFF their pain, worries, or fears." a friend once told me. That is true. I guess what I'm trying to do ( obviously not very well), is to help people who are going though rough times to understand the value and wisdom in acceptance.

For instance:When my husband walked into the house not long ago and said, "honey, my doctor says he has done all he can do for me. The only thing left is to make me as pain free and comfortable as he can."
I resisted  that statement. Every fibre of my being resisted it. I hated it! Did not want to believe it was true- didn't want to hear any more. But my unwillingness to accept it did not change what was true. Bad news had just blown a huge hole into my comfort zone. That's what happened to you too, when life's trials found your house.
Both of us reacted..and strongly to what was making us hurt.

Better it is, Just For Today, to accept the trials with as much ease as we do the blessings. It's not the trial itself that makes acceptance easier, but the fact that GOD is right where He promised to be..with us.

Today, our comfort zone has been enlarged, way more than we'd like. Our living-room will,  in a few hours, contain my sweet husband's hospital bed. A nurse will be coming to explain about his meds. Then other people will file in and out of our home, each visit deepening our pain. I am, in a very short time going to be losing the love of my life. Though our life has seen many trials, our deep love for each other has always brought the sun back after the trial passed.

I am blessed beyond measure for having known this man, for having him choose me, in the awesome way he did. I'm blessed ...richly so, because only recently has he accepted the Lord.

Today, praise God for your loved ones. Give thanks for the things that have made you smile, laugh, and yes, cry too, for it's the moments of life as a whole that create the lasting memories; the ones that will see you through anything.

I want to thank those of you who have taken time to send me encouragement via email. Those unexpected cards and messages have lifted my spirits. They always seemed to come when I was feeling the worst. God's timing is perfect!

Life passes quickly, so create beautiful memories today.

JUST SHARING WITH YOU

LET MY LIGHT SHINE BRIGHT


Lord, let my light shine bright,
during my darkest night,
when my tears hide
your precious face.
May my faith be strong,
as I hold on, knowing
I'm covered
by your grace.

     Life may steal my dreams,
 break my heart in two,
lay my heart upon
the ground.
But I'll be alright
because I'm loved by you,
and will soon be
homeward bound.

Lord, as I walk through life
doing the best I can,
Hold me, I pray,
close to your heart.
May I be true to you
to my dying breath,
so we'll never have to part.

 I wrote this song just a few years ago, when I found out my husband had cancer. It is a wonder to me, the way the Lord uses words to comfort me sometimes. Now, as back then, we're told that my husband's illness is at its end, except that this time, the doctors tell us that all they can do is make him as comfortable as they can.

I praise the Lord for his goodness, for the many years Johnny and I have been together. Mostly though, I am, and ever will be,  eternally grateful that my precious Johnny asked the Lord to be ruler of his heart and life just recently.

God is good. God is faithful. God is merciful. God is kind. God is truly love.

 



Morning Prayer

Gracious Father,
I am glad for my mornings hour with you, before I have spoken with man or done a thing unto the day,  for your presence alone keeps me safe, strong,  and full of courage. If  my eyes look upon the thing that hurts me so much, the thing that has ripped apart my comfort zone, I would surely, like Peter, sink.  But  my eyes do not focus upon that which hurts, but HE who comforts. It is You, Lord, who  guide my words and actions, who holds me steady, when the sadness threatens to overwhelm me.
     I pray this morning, for my Johnny, Father. I ask that you would strengthen him, help him to realize the depth of your love, to understand that when you say something -you mean it, like being forgiven. His heart hurts so much, Father, for the mistakes he has made. I have forgiven him. You have forgiven him, but he is finding it hard to forgive himself. As his health worsens, his regrets seem to grow. It hurts me to see him so sad, hurts that I can't comfort him in ways that used to please him, used to take his sadness and fears away. I used to be able to do for him all he needed, but cannot any more. YOU, Gracious Father, are the only one who can give him peace. I ask that you touch his heart in a new way. Look within it, and you will see that he  loves you, will see how hard he has tried to change. Grant him that promised peace of Christ, Lord, while he is able to experience it.

As for me? Lord I ask that you help me come to terms with my emotions that are sweeping through me like a summer storm, feelings I am having a hard time with. I am angry- that Johnny is leaving me, though it is no fault of his own. I am so sad sometimes it's heaviness seems more than I can bear- is so deep- so painful that I can no longer cry. I am confused sometimes, not knowing which way to turn, or what to do; mostly because I am beginning to feel somewhat numb. I know these feelings are normal under the circumstances. I understand that what scares me is that I feel as if I have no control over anything, which makes the situation even more uncomfortable.
But.... even with all this going on within me, I  CAN be at peace, if I but remember that every trial comes to its own end; that there are always rainbows after a rain.

I shall think upon those things, Father, rather than the trial itself. I shall focus upon the wonderful years you gave me and Johnny, years full of memories I will treasure forever.

Thank you for helping me sleep last night; for rocking my heart to peace again.
Thank you for today's breath of life, for Johnny, who is still here, for the enormous love we have for each other.
Thank you for the many friends I have online, friends who never fail to be there when I need them.

I praise your Name; praise you for your kindness, patience, mercy,  love and compassion for mankind. I praise you for extending my Johnny's life, for keeping us close in heart as well as in mind.

I praise you for the trials that test me, for they reveal to me my strengths, as well as my weaknesses: they keep my faith strong- my heart close to you.
 
Be with me this day, Gracious Father. Help me to rightly represent Christ. I ask these things in His most precious name.  Amen
    

A GREAT DAY?

And we know that we can, if we so choose. True, sometimes, as it  did this morning, bad news comes riding in on the sun. When it does, we oftentimes feel overwhelmed, as if we have no control over anything. The truth is- sometimes we don't.  My Johnny and I don't have any control over what is happening to him. Not any more. And it hurts so bad; makes us both feel so helpless. He can't do much for me these days, and it breaks his heart. He has always spoiled me, done things for me that I could have done myself. But  he'd say." Baby let me spoil you. One day, a long time from now, I may not be able to do things for you." That day has arrived.

And me? I long so to comfort him, to do for him all that once filled him with such joy and happiness. But I can't. His body..his very bones are so fragile. He can't endure a hug any more, yet craves it; can't walk with me, nor talk with me much ( his lungs, we found out today are barely working).

Is today a good day? Not really. But the other side of the coin is that it is a VERY GOOD DAY; a good day because my Johnny is still here with me, a good day because I am still here, by God's grace; a good day because Johnny and I  have millions of memories to see us through the darker, sadder times ahead.  It is a good day because my Johnny knows the Lord, knows how much he loves him, knows that when he dies our separation is but a temporary one.

I am, as some of you know, sharing the story I wrote about our life together. I titled it
"The Fragrance Of A Rose."  Each few days, as I type out another part of it for you I get the opportunity, as does my Johnny, to relive our life over, right from the beginning. As I share with him what I shared with you, he and I often discuss how far we have come, how grateful we are that the Lord helped us work through the worst of our trials, especially those that were the hardest because they were the most painful. There was a time we both felt we'd never make it; that too much damage had been done to our marriage. But we learned to walk our faith, learned that faith has to be so strong it sustains itself. I turned to the Lord, had Him teach me, guide me and direct my words, actions and deeds. If not for him, my Johnny would no doubt be spending his last days alone. I am so glad that is not the case; so glad that this man I have come to love so much still has me at his side.

You know, life is but a wisp of smoke, here- then gone. Whoever you are, or wherever you are, I pray you don't ever take for granted the ones who love you. Make the most of each moment you have together. Treat those at home as good as you treat strangers.

Just for today, Lord, enable me to recognize the blessings midst each trial, to be able to see with clarity of vision, rather then through the eyes of self-pity. Help me, I pray, to not let my sorrows cause me to become deaf to the cries of my brothers and sisters. Help me to be gentle of spirit, slow to anger and quick to forgive. Grant me, Gracious Lord, the ability to love my enemies as you love them, to pray for them, genuinely wanting the best for them.
   And now, as the world prepares for sleep, watch over us as you have every night. We are so grateful for your faithfulness and  the dependability of your Word.  We will remember, Lord, as we prepare for sleep, your goodness to us, how deep your love, how great your sacrifice. 

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His eyes spoke before his mouth did. "It's not good, is it? I said, holding onto the chair for support. "No, baby. I'm sorry."  My husband's eyes filled with tears. I forced myself to not let mine fall because  our son had gone to the doctor with him, was  having a hard time holding himself together. He sat in the chair next to his father, his sweet face looking hopefully at me, waiting for me to say something to lessen his pain, to make the moment seem anything but what it was.
  
  "All the doctors can do now, honey, " my Johnny said," is to make me as comfortable as possible. They told me I need to talk to my family, to make my final wishes known."  The river rose higher in his eyes.  I saw how he swallowed, took as deep a breath as he could; saw how he tried to sit up straighter, force himself to look directly at me.
     When he had cancer we'd held each other for a long time after hearing the news. But this time, having been through this pain before, we sat silent, each of us struggling with our own uncomfortable emotions.
    "I am not afraid to die." he said, his voice seeming to echo in the room. "It is just that I don't want to leave you, don't want to leave our other children and grandchildren."


So Lord, just for today, fill me with your strength, your courage, your hope. Let me not embrace self-pity, for that act prevents me from recognizing the blessing behind the trial.
   Today, this morning, you gifted me again, with your breath of life, and my Johnny. We are grateful and praise you, Lord, for sustaining us; for placing within our hearts and minds that peace that passes all understanding.
   There are so many hurting people in the world today; people going through the same thing we are. Bless them too, Lord.  Let them sense  your presence, the depth of your love and the warmth of it.
  
When discouragement finds my hiding place I will remember your words:

 "Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen  thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord."

"The Lord is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and he knoweth them that trust in him."

"Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the Lord upholdeth him with his hand."


   

 Please take a moment to read today's entry in my personal blog. The journey is a difficult one and I could really use some support. Writing it out this way is something I thought seriously about, knowing that some people might not understand it. I decided to do it anyway because through the years I have had the honor of supporting many precious friends through this same experience. I think perhaps, at some point down the way it may help somebody else. We never know.  Thank you so much.

http://barb-myjohnny.blogspot.com/

Prayers Please

I'm sorry I've not kept my journal up but I am really sick. I have developed a bad infection since back surgery. Please pray for me. I thank you for each one for I know that our Lord hears and cares. He is my best friend so not to worry. No need too. If we have HIM we have all we will ever need.


I keep each of you in my daily prayers and will continue too. It is so wonderful, such an awesome thing to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that no matter how ill we get, no matter how hurting the pain or deep the sorrow, the GOD OF ALL COMFORT is ever with us.



May each of you continue to experience the honor of His presence, the warmth of His love and the tightness of His embrace.

Barb

Hope In The Lord

On December 3, 1998, I lost  my job as manager of two storage facilities. It could not have happened at a worst time. I was very ill with a viral infection; too ill to do much of anything, much less pack a 2-story house and the shelving and attic of our 2-car garage. But that didn't matter.
    Trials do not arrive at any specific time. They arrive when things are going well, when we're living our dreams, but come too, when we're down on our luck, ill, experiencing several things at once. When I lost my job I was also trying to cope with several other difficult areas in my life.
  
 Because I was so ill, I was finding it difficult to be optimistic, to plan, to not become discouraged. One night, while alone, I'd taken my medicine and was sitting on the sofa, when all of a sudden the reality that I no longer had a job sunk in. Wave after wave of emotions washed over me: anger, fear, frustration, doubt, sadness, and a horrible sense of isolation. I'd never felt so much like throwing in the towel and saying "I quit! I can't take it any more."


    I realized, sick as I was, that I was taking into my head nothing but negativeness; knew I needed help. I quickly turned to the Lord, said "Heavenly Father, I need you to tell me what to do. Quick as a wink, the words came: "Be still and know I am God."  Usually, that  would have calmed me. But this time it didn't, so I talked to the Lord again, said  "Heavenly Father. I'm trying, but I cannot seem to get still. I'm so tired and so sick,  so discouraged and disappointed. I cannot be still while my mind is so full of dark, negative things. Empty out, I pray, all that I took in, and grant me that promised peace of Christ."  And He rocked my heart to peace again.

I came across what I'm sharing while going through the many Spiritual journals I have filled. Remembering how faithful He was - and always is, I just had to share this with all of you. I pray that wherever you are, and no matter what is going on in your life, you will always know the joy of His presence, and the warmth of His love- the tightness of His embrace.

Be Still ( Don't fret, remain fearful, anxious, or worried. Make God your focus point).
And Know (Be confident, don't open the door to doubt).
I Am God ( Believe I am who I say that I am/


 In my next entry I will be sharing my latest trial, or the beginning of it. I say beginning for it is a trial that has been ongoing; one that has tested my faith as nothing else has. Please keep me in prayer. Ask God to keep me filled with His spirit, to keep me ever aware of His goodness and faithfulness, to help me remember how far He has walked with me.

Till than, keep Psalm 1:3 in mind.

"And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in
 his seasons; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper."`

Morning Prayer

Heavenly Father,
I look forward to my morning hour with you, before I have spoken with men or done a chore for the day. Let me not take for granted the honor of your presence, your  faithfulness, the dependability of your Word, your great love for me, and my daily blessings.

Sustain me this day, I pray. Enable me to do the required thing and love my enemies, lend a hand where there is a need- with no expected returns.
Help me, Father, to reflect thy Son rightly. Let me not be found judging, being critical, gossiping, or being lifted up by pride.

Grant me, I pray, the power to be pure in thought, loyal in my actions, and courageous. On this day, Gracious Father, I ask thy blessing upon:
Those without food, drink or clothes;
Those who are sick, discouraged and fearful
Those who are suffering from cancer and other  diseases.

Bless the prisoners:
Those oppressed by any injustice
Those that society views as worthless.
Bless the families of children who have been molested, abused or murdered.
Bless those who are lonely, insecure, and  in desperate need of a friend.

Bless those struggling with addictions, those who are bedridden, and the aged, whose families have all but abandoned them.
Bless those whose hope is fading, those who are seeking you, and those who are helping them find you.

Bless our ministers, teachers, missionaries.
Bless the doctors and nurses and the caretakers around the world.
Bless too, the millions of people who are now homeless, fearful, hungry and alone, due to natural disasters.


I ask a special  blessings upon those in the armed forces, Gracious Father. They are so far from home, so far from those who love them. Let them experience the wonder of your presence- so that their fear may not be so strong.  Allow them to experience the warmth and depth of your love so that they will not feel so alone. Let them  feel the  tightness of your embrace so they will feel safe- and secure.

Father, there are new trials confronting me today, some feeling larger and heavier, and more painful than any I have experienced. Even so, I thank you for each one; they keep  me upon my knees- close to you.

I will not focus upon the sadness, or the depth of it, but will remember how far you have walked with me. I will not forget the dependability of  your WORD; that you are exactly where you said you would be- ever beside me. All I have asked, Gracious
Father, I ask in your Son's most Precious name. Amen.



 

Keep Your Faith Active

We don't have to fear the changes that will enter our lives. Our tomorrows will find God beside us, just as he was the day before - and is today. He has walked with us to the present moment,  and will be at our side at the last moment as well.

We will experience many things in our lifetime: marriage, divorce, births, deaths, new jobs, loss of a job, owning a home- losing one, a happy family, a dysfunctional one, problems with our children, health problems, and many more, and God will be there to rejoice with us, or grieve with us, as always He's done.
 
"Lo, I am with you.."  What comfort; what reassurance. God with us means: we will not be betrayed, won't be abandoned, will have somebody to trust, will have somebody with us through the long haul; somebody who won't bail out on us when things get rough. It means no matter how bright our days, or how dark the nights- He is at our side.
    Life becomes more stressful every day. We need help in order to remain strong and courageous, to be at peace midst the storms of our lives. There is only one place to receive that peace; Christ, the God of All Comfort.

One of our sons, when he was but four years old, feared the dark. Even with a night-light on, he'd have trouble falling asleep. Every night, I'd tuck him in and reassure him that I'd be in the next room so he didn't have to worry or be afraid. Yet, every night, until sleep found him, he'd call out to me at regular intervals. "Mommy, are you still there?"

This is how we are with the Lord, when the stress of life has us hemmed in, leaving us discouraged, weary, and afraid. It does not seem quite good enough that God says "Lo, I am with you all the appointed days."
We still call out to him in the dark of night, and sometimes in the bright of noon day, "Lord, are you still there? Jesus promised never to forsake us. Let's believe him - praise Him for his faithfulness, rather than be a doubting Thomas.

Make special memory today. Be good to others and good to yourselves.
Have patience with all things, but mostly with yourselves. Don't become discouraged when considering your imperfections. We all have them. Don't forget that we are a work in progress. God isn't finished with us yet.


Take care now. May you ever experience the honor of the Lord's presence,
experience the warmth of His love, and the tightness of His embrace.

Snowball Thinking

I love the above graphic. It's just what I need to help me keep focused on what truly matters. It's rather difficult at times to keep myself from going overboard with my thinking; focusing on things that hurt, make me sad, worry, and fearful. I guess this is something we all struggle with sometimes. With so much going on with my family member's health issues I've really had to force myself to be honest with myself, about myself; had to acknowledge what things I was doing that were adding to the
stress I already have.

What I noticed was that I too often let my thinking get out of control, let my fears and concerns become a snowball, one that, as I focused upon it, became larger and more painful as days went by.

Snowball thinking is destructive. The more caught up we get in the details of whatever is disturbing us, the worse we feel. One negative thought leads to another, then another, and before we know it we're agitated. We've allowed our thoughts to raise our stress level to something that has the potential to harm us physically, as well as mentally and emotionally.

Solitude is an awesome, wonderful thing. I have discovered the wisdom in taking an hour a day to do absolutely nothing. And my favorite way to do nothing is to sit in a chair outside, usually early morning or when twilight's shadows began to steal across the land. There is something magical about solitude. It allows us to more clearly hear that which God would have us know, but also quiets our minds.
    
When I am alone in my chair, especially as the world begins to shut down for the day, and God turns his nightlights on, I come to understand my place in the scheme of things. I come to understand the wisdom in letting go of what I can't change. I come to understand that no matter how chaotic things are around me, whether within my home or without, life is what it is, and as long as our expectations are not unrealistic ones we'll do okay.

To those who may read this, I pray there is something here that lifts your spirits, that as I share my daily walk with you, we can, together, lift one another up in prayer. Friendship is a most wonderful thing, something I treasure. Thank you for yours.
God bless you.

Where I've Been- Where I'm Going

Sometimes, like this morning, I find myself beginning the day with yesterdays burdens
weighing heavy on my mind. There are so many right now: a daughter whose son was in a motorcycle accident (she just lost her other son not long ago), a sister who just had a stroke and has cancer, another sister who has shown enormous courage, having lost one leg and is now struggling to keep the other one. There is a sister
dealing with Parkinson's, a son whose wife is so ill she almost had to be put on
a list for a liver transplant.(Just got a call from my son who said she is not doing well
at all). As well, there are two sons struggling to put their lives  back together after failed marriages, and a husband whose ill health keeps my stress level very high.

Still, I can smile, can continue to be filled with hope, continue to be at peace no matter how chaotic the world around me.  When times are hard we sometimes find ourselves questioning everything, wondering, especially midst the darkest and most painful of moments, where the light at the end of the tunnel is.

It's usually then, at least for me,  that the Lord's words come to mind:

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace,
and not of evil, to give you an expected end."

These words make me take a backward look at where I have been, at how many
rough roads and high mountains the Lord has seen me through. I can remember the
storms of life so intimidating I felt for sure I'd go under, would sink from utter weariness and discouragement. But I didn't. God, as He promises to do, held tight to my hand so I would not drown- would not have to give in to my fears.


After my morning prayer, I sat quietly and visited with the Lord, let my heart hear all he wanted me to hear. I know now that where I have been isn't what counts, but where I am going. I must not let myself forget that.

I want to encourage you who love the Lord too, to not forget that. Looking backwards at where we have been is not a wise thing. It becomes our focus point, and if we are not careful we will lose our spiritual footing.

Well, it did me good to post this, if only for myself. I need to remind myself, every single day of God's goodness, to count my blessings, to embrace the moments of life as they come, not forgetting that it is GOD, whose breath of life enables us to live and breathe and move.


Lord, please bless everybody who reads this.